Choosing a nanny: why instinct isn’t enough
Choosing someone to care for your child is one of the most personal hiring decisions a parent will make. Yet many families rely largely on instinct. The nanny seems warm, connects with the children and feels like the right fit.
That instinct matters. But it should be the start of the process, not the whole process.
A good interview shows you how someone presents themselves for an hour. It doesn’t tell you how they will respond in an emergency, whether they will follow your household rules when you aren’t there, or how they will communicate when something goes wrong.
Here’s what parents should consider before making a decision.
✦ Define the role clearly
The term “nanny” is used very loosely. A nanny’s primary responsibility is caring for the children. A housekeeper manages the home. Some families want a combination of the two, but expectations need to be realistic and agreed from the beginning.
If you expect someone to supervise the children, cook, clean, manage the laundry and stay late at short notice, say so. One person cannot watch a young child properly while also managing an entire household. Clear responsibilities make it easier to recruit the right person and create a working relationship that lasts.
✦ Ask questions based on real situations
Parents naturally ask about experience, availability and salary. But these questions don’t tell you how someone thinks.
Try asking, “What would you do if my child refused to eat?” or “How would you respond if my child had a fall while I was out?” Ask how the candidate handled a difficult situation in a previous role. Listen for whether they stayed calm, communicated with the parents and took responsibility.
Discuss values too. How do they approach discipline? What are their views on screen time? What would they do if a child asked them to keep something from their parents? Are they comfortable following your rules around privacy and photographs?
Skills can be taught. A serious difference in values is much harder to change.
✦ Check references yourself
References should never be treated as a formality. Speak directly to previous employers. Confirm the dates of employment, the ages of the children and the candidate’s actual responsibilities.
Ask why the employment ended and whether the family would hire them again. It is also useful to ask about reliability, honesty, communication and how the nanny responded under pressure.
Identity documents, qualifications and certificates should be verified. If you’re hiring someone from another country, complete the appropriate background checks before paying relocation or visa costs.
This isn’t excessive. You are giving someone access to your children, home, routines and private information.
✦ Include a trial period
A trial allows you to observe what an interview cannot reveal.
Watch the small habits. Does the candidate wash their hands before preparing food or handling a baby? Do they notice possible hazards? Are they engaged with the children, or regularly checking their phone?
Notice how they behave when a child is tired or upset. Do they remain patient? Do they ask sensible questions? Can they take direction without becoming defensive?
The candidate also needs to decide whether your household and expectations are right for them. A successful placement needs to work for both sides.
Don’t rush this stage. A warm personality and a strong CV are encouraging, but everyday behaviour usually tells you more.
✦ Put expectations in writing
Once you have chosen someone, provide a written agreement covering responsibilities, working hours, time off, salary, confidentiality and household rules.
Include the practical details that often cause confusion. Can photographs of the children be taken or shared? What happens if the nanny is ill or running late? Who should be contacted in an emergency? In a home with several employees, explain who gives instructions and how responsibilities are divided.
This isn’t about making family life overly formal. It prevents misunderstandings and gives everyone a clear framework.
✦ Train for your household
Even an experienced nanny needs training for the home they are joining.
Every family has different routines and risks. A villa with a swimming pool has different safety requirements from an apartment. A child with allergies, medication or additional needs requires specific preparation.
Paediatric first aid should be a basic requirement, with certification kept current. Water safety and swimming competence are also important when children spend time around pools or the sea.
Training should cover more than emergencies. A professional nanny also needs to understand communication, confidentiality, boundaries, cultural expectations and household systems.
Create a practical nanny manual containing emergency contacts, medical information, routines, dietary requirements and school arrangements. This means essential information doesn’t live only in one person’s head.
✦ Keep communicating
Hiring and training are not one-off tasks.
Check in regularly. Ask what is working, where the nanny feels uncertain and whether anything has changed in the children’s routine. Update training as the children grow or the family’s circumstances change.
Parents also need to provide consistent direction. If different family members give conflicting instructions, even a capable nanny will struggle.
The right nanny can become an important and trusted part of family life. Instinct will always play a role, but combining it with proper checks, observation, training and clear communication gives that relationship a much stronger start.
Lynsay Kilbane is the founder of The Private Standard, a specialist recruitment partner, placing trusted professionals into ultra-high-net-worth (UHNW) families, family offices, and private residences internationally.
With more than 15 years of experience working inside UHNW households across the UK and Middle East, she brings first-hand understanding of the standards, sensitivities, and day-to-day realities of working in private environments. For the past four years, she has focused exclusively on private household, building a trusted network of high-calibre candidates and working closely with select clients across the Gulf and beyond.